Good Drag Queen Names

Just yesterday morning, I found myself trapped on an A train in the tunnel between Brooklyn and Manhattan. This provided me with the time to learn, via a series of google chrome suggestions which failed to load, the finale of RuPaul’s Drag race is tonight. I haven’t watched the show for a few seasons, but I do enjoy a few elements in perpetuity:

  1. Watching clips of the lip syncs, especially when there are surprising acrobatic feats.
  2. The show with Trixie Mattel and Katya on YouTube, which is the most vulgar expression of joyful hilarity of which I am aware.
  3. Drag Queen Names: a form of joke that is, at once, low IQ, high camp, and full comedy.

To celebrate this Evangelical nightmare, I decided to make use of this captive, tunnel time and write a list of good drag queen names, and the acts which I would expect them to perform based on their chosen names.

I thought of some of these names, but most of them were thought of by my (smart, hysterical, and good looking) friend James who is much funnier than I am. His notable contributions have been rendered in burgundy.

Helen Earth

Costume: All black, messy black eye makeup. Mangy huge hair which could be compared to smoke. Tombstone nail art.

Signature Song: “Stairway To Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, performed in reverse

Other Notable: Known theft, suspected killer. Always a succubus, never a goddess.

Miss The Bus

Costume: Looks horrible. Really, really horrible. Like, as if she got ready in 2 minutes, but attempted to get ready while running down the street.

Signature Song: Means to perform Always on Time by Ja Rule + Ashanti. To date, she hasn’t had the chance.

Other Notable: Miss the Bus hasn’t taken the subway since 2011, when a mangy tunnel rat scavenged it’s way onto her train car. Since then, Miss has been attempting to find out exactly how the busses work. She has not been successful, and has been late since.

Mia Ferral

Costume: Fur and really long, talon-like nails.

Signature Song Whichever songs they play when the royal family goes on a fox hunt.

Other Notable: Mia’s daughter, Salmon-Ronan Ferral, rose to fame after publishing an exposé of Harvey Milkstein, a San Francisco club magnate, in which Milkstein was accused by multiple go-go dancers of refusing their serves due to his “family values.”

Shonda Leer

Costume: Gigantic, door-knocker earrings.

Signature Song: “Chandelier” by Sia.

Other Notable: Tends to begin performances by entering from the ceiling. Celine Dion borrowed her Met Gala look from Shonda.

Lisa-Mercedes Bendz

Costume: Hubcap earrings. Revealing jumpsuits that resemble the pit workers in Nascar races.

Signature Song: Tends to perform remixes of “Mercedes Benz” by Janis Joplin

Other Notable: Originally from Miami, FL, Lisa-Mercedes is known for her flexibility in choreographed dance routines.

Lauren Bacall-Uback

Costume: Really good hair. Multiple cell phones.

Signature Song: “Phone Down” by Erykah Badu

Other Notable: Working on a film entitled “How to Marry a Millionaire with an Unlimited Data Plan.”

Nancy Sinatra-Pelosi

Costume: Your aesthetic doctor’s “best work.” Has this one costume that is like a toga fashioned out of American Flags.

Signature song: Does a mash-up of “The Star Spangled Banner” & “These Boots are Made for Walking.”

Other Notable: Founder of the Haus of Representatives, her drag daughters include Ivana Martini-Turmp, Jackie Chan-Kennedy, and Sonia Morgan-Sotomayor

Theresa (Terri) Cloth

Costume: Wears a mop as a wig. Rubber gloves.

Signature Song: “So Fresh, So Clean” by OutKast

Other Notable: Received rave reviews for a performance at Metropolitan in Williamsburg, where she cleaned the bathroom.

Since this is supposed to be a skincare blog

Here are some sunscreen related drag queen names that I just thought of:

Ava Benzone

Tina Sorb-Ess

Tina Sorb-Em

(her sister, they are both called tina)

Ethel Hexyl-Triazone

Amy Nobenzoicacid

Mary Dimate